As I was walking towards the train station by myself, I couldn’t help but think about how much my life has changed in the past month. It was late, I was starving + very stressed, the rain was pouring out of the sky and the wind wasn’t really warm either, but I was happy. Happy to be growing as a person, surrounded by the most supportive people, every single day. Kind of sounds cheesy, doesn’t it? But for real, how did I get so blessed?
But even though I’m happy, I also feel so much pressure all the time. The kind of pressure to have everything together. I keep wanting to know what people think about me and it’s freaking me out. Also, I constantly feel like I’m making the wrong choices. Like I’ll never be good enough. Like this pressure is taking over my life. Wow, I’m a mess. I don’t get it though, because my life couldn’t be more amazing at this point. I have the most supportive family, the loveliest friends and I go to an awesome college. Dear mind, what’s happening to you?
Maybe I’m focussing too much on people I don’t even need to support me. Growing up in a small town, people expect you to follow this path. You go to school, when you’re about 18 years old you’ll find a partner you’ll eventually marry, you get kids and the most important thing is; you stay exactly where you are. Wanna move to the big city? Hell no. You’re 22 and you still don’t have a boyfriend, what’s wrong with you? And I wonder, where did all of this came from? Where did the crazy idea that if someone creates their own path and starts living a life for themselves, it’s immediately seen as weird, come from? It’s so upsetting to see how people are holding back from whatever they’re passionate about, because they’re so focussed on what other people might think of them. I keep finding myself thinking that way. The reason why I haven’t started making YouTube videos ever since I’ve wanted to, is purely because I knew people would start talking about me like they know everything about me. Like I’m that weird kid with a YouTube channel. Now that I’m going to college in a big city, filled with open minded souls, I feel so much more confidence to actually do it. To start making videos. The thought of uploading my first video still terrifies me, but my first camera will be bought very soon and I guess from that moment on, there’s no turning back.
Chin up and create your own path.
Stay beautiful, Anouk